Turkey Day

The scene was gorgeous.  Freshly-fallen leaves littered the landscape, the trees which they once decorated standing still very colorful with the browns and reds and yellows and oranges of those which still have yet to flutter off.  The sky was a serene, cloudless blue, the air crisp and clean, temperature a perfectly temperate lukewarm with a touch of coolness from a light breeze.  The grass was a brownish dull-green, stubbly and dry but still soft and plush enough to walk on comfortably barefoot.

Of course, Mordecai didn't give a crap.

Carrying two wingfuls of paper bags, he kicked open the back door apathetically, whistling as he made his way to the kitchen table.  He dumped the contents of the bags, which included potato chips, candy bars, individually packaged dessert snacks, various flavors of soda, and all kinds of other junk food items.  However, one bag stayed closed for the time being.  Taller and broader than all the others, this bag contained a treasure far more valuable than all the others combined: labelled "Cheezers", this bag was filled to the brim with golden-brown, freshly-fried deluxe grilled cheese sandwiches.  Mordecai had really splurged; this was going to be the best Turkey Day ever.

Thoroughly proud of himself for setting up the ultimate feast, the bluejay couldn't help but call out to his friend to come partake in the radiance.  "Hey, Rigby!  C'mere, man, you're gonna be so psyched!"

There was no reply.

"Yo, Rigby?  Where are ya, man?"  Mordecai peeked around, surprised that the raccoon wasn't already fighting him for the first bite fresh grilled cheese.  It didn't take long, however, until he spotted his friend in the living room.

He started up again.  "Um, hey dude, you gonna come check it or what?  You gotta--"

"Shhhhh!  i'm trying to watch TV!"  The little raccoon seemed irked at any attempt to divert his attention.

Mordecai gazed at the television, his mouth falling agape in disgust.  What his eyes met was a horrendous sight; a plethora of horrifyingly bright and colorful cartoon ponies, frolicking and bouncing and bursting into brain-wrenchingly cutesy song with absolutely no warning.  This had to be some kind of awful nightmare.  It couldn't be real.

"Dude, what?!"  Mordecai was in despair.  "Are you seirous?  Why are you watching this?"  He reached for the controller, which was clenched tightly in his friend's paws.  "c'mon, at least change it to the Turkey Day Parade so we can make fun of the cruddy floats or something!  ugh, anything but this!"

"No."  Rigby was adamant.  "You always make fun of me and think I'm joking when I try to talk about My Little Pony.  Well, I actually really do like it, and they're playing a marathon today.  And y'know what?  I'm gonna watch it, and you can go be a hater somewhere else."  Following this, Rigby mumbles to himself: "Love and tolerate my tail."

The bird could naught but slap his forehead.  "There's just no way, dude.  This is so not the Rigby I know.  Man, and we should be having guests later.  There's no way, just no way I'm gonna have them catch you watching this garbage when they come.  Man, do you have any idea?  Muscle Man'd never let us live it down, and he'd tell everyone, like, ever.  Benson would probably cut our pay just for being such wusses.  Do you really want that, man?"

Rigby looked up at his roommate menacingly, sticking his nose in the air and frowning.  "I don't care.  All you ever do is smack talk me about crap I like that you don't, and you hog the TV all the time anyway.  Well, this is my Turkey Day too, y'know, and I'm gonna enjoy it."  He turns promptly back to the screen.  "You can go and take everyone with you and have a big party for all I care.  All I know is I'm gonna watch ponies."

Mordecai sllumped his shoulders forward, sighing exaggeratedly into the air.  "This is, like, so bad, dude.  What a didsaster."

With none of the gusto of before, his energy seeming to be totally drained, Mordecai lumbered back into the kitchen.  Unable to stomach digging in to any of the food he'd just procured and had been looking so forward to devouring, he grabbed a cereal bowl and poured it half-full of milk, incapable of completing the other half of the act without Rigby.  Dismally he began spooning bits of milk up to his beak, then weakly slurping them up.  After just a few he crossed his wings on the table and put his head down, staring bleakly into his reflection in the milk.

Bit by bit the milk started swirling around, warping his mirrored visage into something else, but the bird had little reason to believe it was anything beyond his own imagination dealing with the destruction of what was going to be the most awesome of days.  However, as the image teetered dangeously toward that of a pony of the like he'd seen in the television a few minutes earlier, Mordecai fell back out of his chair, completely aghast.

Out of the bowl rose a hologram-like projection, swirly and incoherent, but definitely bearing the face of a pearly white pony with crazy, glittery hair and a long horn.

"Oh, Mordecai, Mordecai..."  The vision began to speak.  "It looks like you've forgotten the magic of friendship, haven't you?  Well, I know just the place you can go to get that fixed..."

Mordecai, on his back, wing above his eyes in defense, was picked up gently by the milky apparition and dragged back into the bowl from whence it came; unable to even comprehend how he was able to fit in the thing, Mordecai is immediately overtaken with sheets of colors stretching across the spectrum, his body feeling like it's plummeting hundreds of feet.  His consciousness begins to fizzle out into nothing, images of prancing ponies and raging raccoons filling his mind and melting away, his last thoughts involving how badly it went last time he had to deal with unicorns...


----------

The next thing Mordecai remembered was waking up and the wirling assortment of bright colors... not really going away, just kind of settling into defineable shapes.

Shambling to his feet, he looked around at the whimsical world around him, scratching his head.  "Duuude..."

"Hi!"  A pink bundle of what looked like cotton candy with marshmallows for hooves hung down from nothing in front of Mordecai's face.  "Oh my gosh you're new here!  And you're new here on Hay Day, the bestest most fun most get-togethery and eat-stuffity day of the year!  Oh my goodness you must just be soooooo excited, like, as excited as me!  You gotta meet my friends like right this very second so you can be everypony's friend by the time we eat which'll be soon and stuff!"

The deluge of words bounced off Mordecai's head like rain off an umbrella.  Still processing everything about his situation, all that could pass his beak was the noise, "Uhhhh...."

Dragging him by the wing, the pink bundle of fluff hopped along, letting the jay take in all the sights and sounds of the town apparently known, as printed on signs, as "Ponyville".  Mordecai was still too shocked to really allow it to deeply affect him, but his beak wrinkled up at the sight of so much pony all the same.

the bird was dragged to the front of a fancy-looking store full of clothing fit for the quadruped residents of the town.  His guide spoke, "First, we gotta get you looking nice before you meet the other ponies!"

The pink thing suddenly let go and Mordecai fell limply onto his back.  Staring very blankly upward, not a muscle in his body felt the need to move.  A white thing with a horn on its forehead like the milk-creature from before trotted over to him, looking him in the face.

"Oh, no no no, this won't do at all."  The purple-haired thing grabbed his wing in her mouth and dragged him, still on his back, into some strange violet-hued room within the abode.

"How very disastrous!  You, sir, are simply a wreck."  Mordecai could do little but blink as the marshmallow nighmare put him up in a chair and started twirling it around, adorning him with an assortment of costumes and perfumes, powders and hairpieces, never satisfied with any of her creations.  At last, she settled on an overly classical coat with a frilly shirt, topped with a puffy white wig, unsure even herself of exactly how she got the pony garb to fit the tall bird.

"Uhhh... um..."  Mordecai was flabbergasted, and words would simply not come.

"Now, move along, mister bluejay.  I have a busy day, getting everypony who's anypony ready for the grand feast."  Rashly she pushed him, with horna nd everything, out onto the dirt road.

The pink one was there to meet him, pulling him forcibly to a food stall run by an orange, freckly one.  Without delay this hat-adorned creature grabbed his wing in both hooves and started to shake his hand with unbridled ferocity.

"Well, howdy there, fella!  Ah guess ya came all the way out here ta Ponyville 'cause ya heard it's the best place in all Equestria ta eat on Hay Day, right?  Well, Ah'll tell ya, that's allll thanks t' the Apple family, and Ah'm here ta represent 'em with these here vittles.  G'wan, try some samples!  They're all free, seein' as today's only the eatin'est holiday o' the year!"  With a distinct twang, the thing started spouting this nonsense into Mordecai's ear, still ringing from so much distress that most of it made no sense.

Bluntly the pony began shoving strange things into his beak.  "Thar's hay biscuits, hay cakes, hay on a stick..."  With no time for him to even swallow the first volley, she continued.  "...hay a la mode, hard-boiled hay, hay soup, pickled hay surprise..." His cheeks full and his eye twitching, she still refused to let up.  "An' of course, the Apple family's trademark, big, plump, red, juicy apples!"  Pining for something, anything, to end the pain of an endless buffet of dried grass, Mordecai was disappointed when the red object was shoved down his throat.  "Made out o' hay, 'course, just fer today."

Doubling over and groaning, the bird was jolted again as the pink fluff grabbed him by the tailfeathers and pranced right along once more.  After several minutes of feeling like he was going to choke, Mordecai finally managed to swallow the mass of garbage that had been shoved into his gullet.  It was bad.

Next thing he knew, Mordecai was being pulled across the path of a softly-colored one with wins and long hair, leading some baby ducks across the road.  She gasped upon seeing him, and rushed over with glee.

"Oh, what an interesting fellow you are!  Why, I have a little bird at home that looks just like a smaller version of you!  Oh, my, do you mind if I ask your name?"  Her voice was calm and it at least didn't look like he was going to die for interacting with her, so Mordecai went along with it.

"Uh, well, it's Mordecai, I guess."  He reached down to pet one of the ducklings, at which point the yellow thing snatched it away and placed it on her back, a ferocious side suddenly showing itself.

"Well, that's nice.  But don't you dare touch my babies."  And with that, she was off.

Blankly staring for what must have been the hundredth that day, Mordecai was pushed into some kind of big tree, a musty smell making him feel dizzy, on top of everything else going through his head.

Not even realizing that any time had passed, Mordecai finds himself strapped to a chair with a strange contraption on his head, as well as all kind sof other weird machinery all around him.  He was being x-rayed, probed and studied extremely thoroughly and all he could surmise was that this nightmare had shifted settings into a mad scientist's lab not unlike the ones in some of the old crappy movies he liked to watch.

"Hmm..."  A purple unicorn walked out from behind a random machine, holding a piece of paper before her through the power of telekinesis.  "Nope, I can't figure out anything about you.  Except that you most definitely do not belong in Ponyville, possibly even Equestria."  Mordecai felt very welcome.

"Yeah, maybe," a new voice rang out from above, as a wildly colorful air-pony floated effortlessly close to the ceiling.  "But that makes it interesting!  Look at those weird wings, man!  I wanna test this creep out!"

Without a second thought, the blue menace grabbed Mordecai by the collar and flew him through an open window, out onto a nearby cliff overlooking the rest of the town.

The purple thing followed the pair, a concerned look on her face.  "But Rainbow Dash, the Hay Day dinner's gonna begin any minute now... we don't have time for this!"

"Great!  I'll race ya to it, new guy!"  The winged pony stood proudly at the edge of the cliff, her eyes gleaming with the look of a challenge.

"Um, I can't fly du--"

Mordecai was cut short by the thing zooming off into the distance leaving a rainbow trail behind her.  Before he had a chance to assume he would be left alone for a few seconds at last, the pink one came up behind him and headbutted him playfully off the cliff, quipping "You're supposed to be racing, silly!"

Although he knew there was no chance for him, Mordecai flapped his wings as hard as he could, pitifully imitating what a real bird would be able to do even on its first attempt to fly.  Somehow miraculously able to keep himself afloat and move forward slowly, he was ecstatic.  "Haha, dude, I'm doing it!  I'm totally not dying!  This is the coolest thing ever!"

Of course, as soon as he exlaimed this, he realize dthat his momentum had completely died and he fell like a stone.  Pinkie just so happened to be directly below him, caught him on her back as if she knew exactly when and where he'd fall, and bounced off into the large building that housed the feast the ponies had been waiting for.

Setting him up at a chair, Pinkie joined the other ponies around the table, sitting on their pillow-seats with legs sticking out before them.  By this point, Mordecai had given up.  The ponies had beaten him, and left him completely exhausted.  There was no fighting them. He sat there and ate his terrible hay like a gentleman.  At length, he stood up and pulled his chair out, with a plea to be excused.

Mordecai walked out into the breezy afternoon outside, sighing roughly and throwing his wig and suit off before throwing himself onto the ground.  He looked up at the calm sky, his willpower no more, and began to speak.

"Hey, princess-thing, uh, can ou hear me?  Please tell me you can hear me, dude."  The jay had nothing left to do but try his luck with getting back home, however possible.

Luckily, Princess Celestia apparently was listening, as she floated down from some cloud unseen to land gracefully before him.

"I just... I just wanna go back home to my friends", the bird started, a deeply sullen tone to his usually carefree voice.  "I wanna go back and have Turkey Day with Rigby.  Even if he likes all your stupid, annoying little ponies, I don't care.  I've learned the magic of friendship or whatever, just get me outta here, please.  This sucks, like, so bad."

The celestial equine bent down and nudged Mordecai's cheek, warranting a wholly dissatisfied look from the bluejay.  "Oh, my child, you've always known the magic for friendship."  She smiled with radiance and warmth.  "You just needed to be reminded, that's all."

Gathering magic energies into the tip of her horn, the alicorn used her powers to slowly shift the world aroudn them into a sheet of light.  Wrapping him up in some comforting blanket of energy, Celestia left Mordecai with some final words;

"I like your show, by the way.  It's just too bad Regular Shownies have such a negative stigma attached to them, y'know?"

Bright as the sun, the white light overtook him.  Mordecai put a wing in front of his eyes and leaned back on the ground, his assumption that these ponies would be the death of him only reaffirmed.

----------

After several moments of weird-feeling warmth wrapping him, not daring to open his eyes, Mordecai moved his wing to his side and blinked as his vision adjusted to the average lighting of his new environs, dark by comparison to where he was just before.  Quickly he recognized the dusty counters, the unwashed dishes, the smudged refrigerator.  He was back in his kitchen, just where he was this morning, assuming no great amount of time had passed in Ponyville.

Stumbling half-dazed toward the living room, he could hear the familiar, frightful sound of ponies bounding around cheerfully.  His heart sinking momentarily at the idea that he might not have returned home after al, he opens his still-suqinting eyes a bit wider to espy a group of his buddies and co-workers all gathered around the television set.  There was Rigby, Pops, Skips, Muscle Man and High-Five Ghost, all together, laughing, cheering, watching ponies.

Unbelievable.

"Oh, Mordecai!"  The round-headed Pops, gleefully enthralled by the magic ponies onscreen, was the first to greet the bluejay back.  "Jolly good of you to join us!  Oh, why don't you come sit down?"

Able to peel his eyes from the television for a moment due to his friend's return, Rigby looked up at the bird apologetically.  "Hey, man, I'm sorry about earlier.  I guess I was a little selfish, or whatever.  But yeah, Turkey Day sucks without you.  Y'know, we can watch something else if you want... maybe that stupid post-parade dog show and make fun of all the dumb-looking dogs.  I'm sure the guys won't mind."  As if actually having learned something from the message of the pony show, Rigby seemed to understand friendship a little bit more than his pea-sized brain could muster on most days.  He pat the couch cushion next to him, which was empty.  "C'mon, saved ya a seat."

Mordecai shook his head, and looked up with a little less disgust than before.  "Y'know what, I'll do it."  He flipped over the couch and onto the seat with a fwoomf.  "Let's just watch the stupid ponies.  You guys all seem to like it so much, anyway, I'll just deal."

"Oh, good show!"  Pops clapped.  "You're just in time for the wrapping up of winter!  It's sure to be quite the adventure!"

As he watched the show with his friends, Mordecai's expression slowly shifted to a happier and more satisfied one.  "You know, they're still kinda annoying, but on TV they seem a lot more fun than when I was running around with them.  They can be pretty cute, I guess."  Suddenly, a look of fear and nervousness sank into his eyes as he realized what he'd just said aloud.  "Uh, I mean, er..."

Turning around with a big grin on his face, Muscle Man couldn't help but pipe up.  "Oh, running around with 'em, huh?  Sounds like someone's been a lil' heavy on the internet roleplay, am I right?"

"At least he doesn't write crappy pony fanfiction", Skips chimed in.

Muscle Man blushed and grimaced.  "H-hey, some of us just like to excpress ourselves, okay?  Geeze..."  Under his breath, he continued; "...besides, the world needs to know how much Rarity loves Applejack."

The group resumed watching, eyes transfixed on the colorful ponies filling the screen, pupils growing wide.  The front door slammed open and a man stormed in, yelling in a fit of rage, but this was not nearly enough to avert anyone's attention.

"Okay, you useless idiots.  I know it's Turkey Day, but seriously?!  There are, like, still MILLIONS of leaves out here that need to be cleaned up.  I know we'll have tons of visitors over the holidays, and --"  Benson's tademark bright-red complexion quickly eased into a duller, more relaxed state as he noticed  the screen.  "Is... is that Pinkie Pie?  I love Pinkie Pie!"  He grabbed a spot on the floor next to the couch, sitting like an excited kid with his knees pulled up to his chin.

And then everyone watched ponies all day, their personal will returning to them only when the marathon subsided and gave way to a crappy old episode of Jem, which only Pops stayed behind to watch.  The motley crew of a makeshift family proceeded to feast upon all the reheated grilled cheese their stomachs could handle, chatting and laughing far into the evening before promptly passing out.  All was right with the world.

That is, until the morrow brought the wrath of the interdimensional abomination known as the Black Friday Beast, but that is another story and shall be told another time.